In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
