he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
