i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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