My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
