how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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