I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
