i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
