Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
