My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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