tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
