He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
