dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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