my phone needs a breathalizer
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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