im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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