I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
