I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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