Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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