Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
