god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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