I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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