God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
