Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
