I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
