It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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