Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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