I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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