I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
