The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm always down for nudity.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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