my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
