Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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