White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
