I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
