if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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