Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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