$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
