If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
