the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
