Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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