My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
