can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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