soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
