I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
