Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
