Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
