he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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