nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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