Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
