I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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