omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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