Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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