i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
