I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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