so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Randomize
