i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize