these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
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