The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
