i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
