She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
