she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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